So after saying in my last post that I hoped my
blogging might blossom a bit more in 2017, it’s taken me until 1st
April to actually get my act together and write something. This has
been borne out of having an incredibly busy term and realising that I’m not as
independent as I might have thought and that it’s also not bad to come
to that realisation!
I, like so many other Music students, struggle to say no to
things and this term I think I reached my breaking point. I have always thought
I could just manage anything, but it turns out I actually can’t… I feel like
there’s this expectation at university to appear as though you are having the
best time of your life and when you aren’t there must be something wrong with
you. Errrr hello? Everyone’s different and will experience university life very
differently. For me, I have experienced some of the most stressful times and I
know I am not alone in feeling like university isn’t always what it’s cracked
up to be. And that’s not to say it’s not great, because it is great. I’ve met
great people and experienced great things. However, sometimes the nights out,
the workload and business of uni life doesn’t leave you feeling as fulfilled
and happy as you might have thought. (This could segue into how I feel student
support should be easier to access, but I might leave that for another day.)
What I’m trying to get at, is that it’s ok to admit that
you’re not ok and that returning home makes me feel better because you get
that TLC and safety of home comforts. Throughout first year, I was determined
to feel as though I didn’t need to go home and I didn’t need my parents because
I was moving out and then I would be an adult and my parents couldn’t tell me
what to do anymore, right??? However, even though now I’m 21, I still like nothing more
than a hug from Mum and Dad and a coffee with my school friends. It’s perfectly
100% acceptable to admit that you need a break and to reset. I am terrible at
self-love - acknowledging where my strengths lie, giving myself time and space
just for me - but I feel like I’ve reached a point where I’d like to feel more
positive, so I think I need to take a bit more time to practice self-love. If I
don’t feel like going out that’s fine! If I’m not getting the grades I want,
there are ways to change that and I don’t need to beat myself up about it
because actually, it’s not the end of the world. I think I continually forget
that university is not just about academia, but also self-discovery. By which I
mean, working out who are the best people to live with, understanding
budgeting…. (thank goodness for my overdraft) and becoming the fully fledged
adult my parents hoped that I could become.
There is a piece of writing by Khalil Gibran about children
and their relationship with parents and life. It makes the analogy of a bow and
arrow as the parent and child; that the bow must line up the arrow to the best
of its ability in order to release it into the world and allow it to flourish
on its own. As we start to leave home, we realise we are the arrow in full
flight, not really sure where we will land and that can be really scary! I do
understand and love this analogy, but right now I feel more like a boomerang
and coming home reminds me that although I want to be out in the world
discovering things, it’s definitely healthy to return home for rest and
recuperation before venturing out again. I have numerous worries and doubts
about what I am going to do with my life, whether I am doing the right degree
and why I don’t feel like I’m having the best time ever but, I believe it’s
better to ask all these questions than to do what I feel is expected of me.
There are 80+ years that don’t involve university, so if there’s 1 week, 1 term
or 1 year that isn’t enjoyable, I will accept that, try and make the necessary changes and
hope that the good times will roll in.
KB
x
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| Dad has always been my fashion icon x |
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